It all happened so fast. After months of waiting, expecting it and even wanting it, for the sake of everyone, it still came as a shock when Lizzy heard those words, “He’s died.” She immediately broke down. That surprised her. She didn’t feel relief like she expected, relief that he would no longer be in so much pain. No, she felt complete loss. A deep loss, in the pit of her stomach. It ached there like a burn and she knew it was an ache she was going to have to live with. He’s gone, really gone, gone forever, this thought travelled around and around in her head, feeding her misery as she wept. He would never touch her again, she would never hear his voice, or see him smile at her, hear him laugh, have him come home to her and simply feel his presence beside her. Death was final.
The phone ringing made Lizzy come up for air and look about her; it seemed like life had taken on a surreal effect, a slow motion, she was able to look at herself trying to cope with the loss of her husband. She saw the small hunched figure of herself picking up the phone.
“Hello” she said.
”I spoke to the hospital and know about Will, are you ok?” It was her sister Jane
“No, of course not” she heard herself say.
“Oh sorry, stupid question, look I thought I would come over and help you sort some stuff out, I know Will was wonderfully prepared, but you’ll still have to decide some stuff like what he’ll wear, do you want me there?”
“Yes come over.” She paused then added hesitantly, “Was Will really prepared?”
“Oh Lizzy, Will was ready, you know that he just couldn’t fight anymore. He told us all that it was time. Will loved you so much Lizzy, he held on as long as he could. He didn’t want to leave you, his body just let him down. Will has been set free. He is not feeling the pain now.” Jane took a moment and wiped her tears as she heard Lizzy’s muffled cries. She swallowed and said,
”You made him so happy Lizzy, you two were wonderful together.”
“Together.” Lizzy repeated softly.
“I’m coming straight over, see you soon” Jane said as she hung up the phone.
Lizzy listened into the dead phone for sometime before hanging it up. She felt close to the void that it provided. Eventually she stood up and walked into their bedroom. Everywhere she looked she saw him. The carpet, soft under her feet reminded her of the time that they chose it together. He kidded with her that he preferred a heavily patterned one, she saw his smile when she finally realised he was joking. Lizzy smiled back at him.
She noticed the lemon yellow of the wall, light danced over the surface. They had painted the room together one Easter long weekend, she saw his legs up the ladder as he reached to coat the ceiling. Lizzy craned her head up and saw the space where he had been. Her hand reached out and touched the wall.
His watch lay on the chest of drawers. Lizzy picked it up and looked at the time. Time was of no consequence now. She was compelled to put the watch on, the clasp felt cool on her wrist as she snapped it shut. She enjoyed the sensation of its reassuring weight.
Lizzy walked to the closet, she wanted to smell him, feel him surround her. She opened the door, but took a step backwards as the smell was overwhelming. She shut the door in horror. Her mind screamed out, her body went hot. She opened the door again, God the smell was disgusting, a rotten flesh smell that made her hold her breathe. It was a smell of death. Why did Will’s cupboard smell like that, was he in there?
Lizzy knew that was impossible, he was lying dead in hospital. Taking a deep breathe and covering her nose she looked about inside the cupboard. She couldn’t see anything. Grabbing the torch that Will kept under his side of bed, she began to search in the shoes and shoe boxes lying at the foot of his clothes. She was almost frantic, turning over items and peering down the toe of shoes with the torch to try and find what she thought must be a dead mouse or worse. She tossed the empty shoes aside in frustration. The smell was intensive at the back of the wardrobe. Underneath a plastic bag containing nothing but odd socks she found an old hat box. She had completely forgotten about this box, it had been years since she’d seen it. Will and her had bought it at an antique shop in country Victoria while holidaying there. That must have been 20 years ago. The hat box was looking a little worse for wear. Lizzy gently lifted the lid, and looked in. She screamed on seeing the decomposing rat, the hat box and its contents got thrown across the room and she continued screaming.
Jane ran into the room and slapped her across the face. Then immediately gave her a big hug.
Jane took a step back while still holding onto Lizzy’s shoulders and looked directly into her sister's blotchy red face and asked,
“Lizzy, are you alright, Lizzy what happened? And what’s that smell in here?"
Lizzy broke down in her sisters arms.
“Come on Lizzy let it out.” Jane encouraged
Lizzy breathed in and spoke slowly, “Oh Jane, oh God, I found a rat, look over there, it was in his things.” She pointed in the direction of the window and sighed in a deep breathe. She felt drained. As Lizzy looked on, Jane took charge and picking up two shoe box lids she hooked the rat up off the carpet. She made a sandwich of it covering the rat with one lid and then she walked with purpose out of the room.
Lizzy looked at the mess she had made. Amongst the shoes, odd socks and boxes strewn around the floor she noticed several envelopes. These must have been with the rat in the old hat box. Did Will keep some old letters and cards she had sent him? She bent down to them pick up. They smelt of dead, but to her surprise each envelope was unopened and addressed to her. Three red envelopes, two white and a fat lime green one with a stain on it from the rat. It smelt the worst.
Lizzy was written the same way on each. Her hand felt the slight imprint of her name written by him. They were sealed. God how old were they, when did Will write these? He had been in and out of hospital for the last six months. When did that rat crawl into its elaborate coffin to die? She wondered if she should open these all at once? Or save them, keeping and languishing in the expectation of what they might contain. If she thought about it too long, her expectations could get out of control, and lead to disappointment. Of course she would open them, how could she not. But should she open them in particular order? There were no numbers or instructions. Will had a message in these for her, it didn’t matter when he wrote them, all that mattered was that they were from him to her. A message from Will to Lizzy, a message from the dead to the living.
Continued
here
Written for Sunday Scribblings
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